Sunday, July 12, 2009

'Good'Bye?

So how does one say "Goodbye!"

GOOD + BYE .....?

Can some farewells be a good bye. What if they were the bad kinds?

I'm leaving Mumbai. Well I'd like to think of it as a breather from work, my life that seemed to have fallen into a predictable routine (and I hate predicatability apart from the men in my life) and well the last better unsaid.

The idea was never to tell my awesome colleagues, old and new friends that, "I'm packing off! I've had enough of the city!" I'd recently gone through a heartbreak and for a week or so I was burning up with madness and confusion and I just wanted to scream my lungs out, bawl and say "I'm getting out of here, this madness, this constant wanting and not getting ". It would be so dramatic rather melodramatic and I've had quite a bit of it in my life so far , so I tried sorting it out over and over in my head.

I'd wanted to take the GRE for over a year now, but never got down to studying properly for it, my family wanted me to consider a Master's program in the US. (Fortunately my mother is from that stock of women "Go out! Move on! See the world! Don't you dare say you are committed..You're 21! You've no business to belive this man is it NOW! Instead of your "Get married. You've seen and worked enough. We are worried!) And well, honestly I always had this desire to throw myself off the safe track of a safe job, safe pay and head out for things I think would excite me but don't know more about. Documentaries, travel, write...'Aaaaah! ' You'll say. The cliched dilemma of kids these days who are never patient enough! (Whatever!)

It all just came together one day in my head at 6 am. And it took me 24 hours to put the messed up itsy bitsy puzzles about whether this is the right thing to do or not, walk up to my boss and tell her I wanted to pursue my MA.

You'd think that para above reflects calm, poise and decisiveness. But clarity of this kind is more enforced rather than backed by a foresight of what lies ahead. You know you have to take the jump even if it means falling on your face. Failure is hard, but success is far more dangerous. if you get stuck in a cycle of money, opportunity adn praise for something you're not meant for, the consequence is deadly. It's not my quote. Look up Po Bronson, the authour of "What Should I do with My Life?" ( Ironically, I'd been given this book by my Consulting Editor who thought I needed to read teh stories fo peopel who'd taken the jump to follow their heart in much more difficult circumstances or really cushy jobs)

I knew I had to take a step to explore what lies beyond my boundaries, I'd just decided to delay that step and why not? My job doesn't pay great but getting to script, direct and feature in a high TRP rating show of UTVi that too as an Associate Producer at 23 got heady sometimes. You feel very narcisstic when you hear, see yourself on TV better still become a crucial element to a career show that's teaching you things and helping you meet entrepreneurs, professionals from exciting and diverse backgrounds.

My family in Mumbai is wonderful. My residence? I live in a paying guest accomodation that's barely like one. I come and go as I feel. A single mother who's fought against all odds and loves to spoil young people rotten. Her son, a Tech writer who loves adventure and made my first trek an out of the world experience. He's been a shoulder to cry on and the brother figure who also admonishes me when I screw up. His sister, an accomplished photograher whose room, books and pictures never cease to fascinate me. My roomamate with her generous offers of pasta, tulli ki khichdi and generous counsel on men. And of course big, cuddly, lovable Ego. Our dog who drives us crazy every 6 montsh with her phases of pseudo pregnancy. This time she adopted her favourite rubber toy a burger that squeaks out loud and nursed it for a month as her pup. "Your little burger will grow up to be a nice juicy Mac" said Natasha. :)

We all live in a old building on Parel, the kind that has a terrace garden, high cielings. Giving up on this is anything but easy. Friends come and go. The door's always open for more.

Then of course is my inner circle of friends. My second family as I've referred to them for the longest time. Some of its members date back to my high school days who are in the city, others are friends of friends of 'a friend' and we all got along together like a dream. There used to be another home for me in Mumabi. Well atleast I thought of it as home. Where we all cooked together, played board games till wee hours of the morning and overwhelmed strangers who stepped into "our" home with our high quotient of happiness. Mumbai was Mumbai because of this family. One member of this family caught me off guard at Toto's a coupel of weeks back. Fighting back his tears in a pub at the idea of me leaving Mumbai, he said " It's the end of an era" . Cheesy you may think, but we all know somehere deep in our hearts that the 'togetherness' has been lost. And it was the 'togetherness' that kept me back from making certain tough decisions.

When I put in my papers and told my folks I'm returning to Bhubaneshwar, I myself was in denial. I think I still am.

I hope it gives me a window to look out and away from for a while. From a whirlpool of emotions that got the better of me. From being worn out physically with crazy hours at work. To explore what further studies could offer and simply to do a couple of things I'd wanted to do. Sometime we all hesiatate to take a step becaue we aren't convinced enough. Believe me, conviction isn't what you should look for in this situation. It's having the fortitude to say that "This was good, there may not be 'the best' with this step, but there could be something 'better' . And I won't know what that can be until I do"

Soem of my firends still think I'm doing this becasue Mumbai's got to me and a certain 'someone' just made living here tougher. Perhaps. But Mumbai's become so much more. I started noticing the city more keenly once I decided to leave it. In the last two months, I've met people through people who all seem to know each other. The favourite haunt is a little garage pub that we never seem to tire of . Conversation moves from one topic to the next, taking from what each of us do: private equity, fiction writer, animation, theatre etc. Our individual stories of life, work , love and more is never ending. The energy you derive from meeting new people, learning new things, sometimes it's just enough to make you believe you possibly can't live in another city in India. Travelling alone as a single woman in the city post 12. Impossible anywhere else.

So I'm having to say bye to all these! And so far the self denial has kept the tearworks away or the sadness that coems when you leave something or even someone you instinctively felt was 'it'. People, family, work. And head to a city that's "supposed" to be home. But my roots, my belonging? Hyderabad, Kolkata, chennai, Mumbai........Mumbai...?

Good bye for now... 'Good' bye?