A bathroom five by four feet. A woman is seated on the seat closed upon a toilet. She wears a red silk dress and pulls on her stockings. She's in a hurry to get somewhere and the stockings are very sheer. They rend at her heel. She's got little time to think. Five minutes later she steps out and puts on the most elegant satin black heels. She's not too made up but her eyes stand out in their kohl lined beauty and her lips shimmer in the christmas lights. She knows it but she won't admit it . She is attractive but in her own simple silent way. She doesn't take her admirers very seriously. It helps her stay grounded.
She dashes out of the door after he calls out and in that moment they both know it. The shoes are a disaster! But just this one time she doesn't want to pass off as a 20 year old, her dress is stunning and she wants to look her age. Atleast close to it. She's back at the door, dragged comically by him. He knows better. She hesitates at his suggestion. "The boots look grungy" she thinks. He tosses her pretty shoes out of sight. She smiles and agrees. The boots are on and she's looking more than fine. Pretty feet come aa cost and walking all over New York well heeled is more important than well dressed.
Two hours later, she's tried every single wine at the table. Also the hot spiced cider with whiskey. The crowd is a mix of people in their late 20s and 30s. Musicians, performers, martyrs (the non profit kind) mingle around. Upstairs, a group is playing the african drums and singing. A couple makes out in the bathroom in the adjoining room. So she waits and waits and waits and then smirking to herself steps out onto the terrace. She's reminding herself of where she was a few months ago and what she wanted. She compares that to what's at hand now.
The little red and blue neon lights strung around set off the New York skyline in the distance. She takes pictures. Pictures that form her visual diary. Her need to map everything in pixellated reality follows her everywhere. In new cities, on the streets she walks for the first time, amidst people...... It's become an obsession. Meanwhile, the red dress fetches a compliment. A smile and "thank you" are returned. She looks up. The sky is smoky blue and brown today and the moon glows half-mindedly.
A little past 1, a subway ride out of New Jersey and into the city, she finds herself in a diner wanting to get over the wine. Fried chicken doesn't work. His concern is endearing as is his sincerity. She trusts this.
Back home, the wine and cider are still doing tricks. She is frightened at the idea of puking. Like she has always been since her childhood. So he takes her by the hand. He leads her to the closet in the bathroom. Listerine comes to the rescue and so does bubbling laughter. They gargle and spit out in unison.
It's late and the fresh mint catalyses a feeling of bliss. She takes this moment for whatever it is. She wouldn't move on otherwise but she will this time. For whatever it is worth in its purest entity, she acknowledges it. But just for that unit of time alone. For whatever it's worth and however it can comfort her. And the moment spills forth, tinged in the neon light streaming in through the window from skyscrapers in the distant.
Sometimes knowing what you don't have and understanding why perhaps is the first step. Knowing why what you do when you do it at that moment is comforting even if just for that moment. Not when you've erred on the side of caution so many times before. She thinks these through. She's hit the lows too many times and too recently. She steps in.
The next morning, she wakes up to a bright blue sky. Today she will walk the streets she hasn't the last time, not in hope and anticipation but for self-discovery. And she"ll learn from that. For now. For herself.
