You might have heard this one before but still, hear me out. There’s a huge difference between what ‘alone’ signifies as opposed to the word ‘loneliness’. And the more I think of stuff like this, I wonder if I should have chosen semantics over the film industry.
A couple of days back, I didn’t have the option of returning home after work. So I walked into Culver Plaza, an old mom and pop theatre close by where I live to watch ‘Midnight in Paris’. There I was amongst six other people chuckling at Bender’s lines and wondering if Owen Wilson was categorically told to imitate Allen’s classic ‘fumbling verbose’ acting style. But once my brain stopped processing these details, I realized I watched this film partially because of ‘loneliness’ not because I chose to do it ‘alone’. And that’s when it hit me. Being in Los Angeles brings up the idea of ‘loneliness’. On the other hand, I may be doing something all by myself in New York City but it would be okay because I would be happy to do it ‘alone’. Sitting at Central Park and watching the cyclists go by or stepping into a museum wholly dedicated to the aesthetic and history of sex or for that matter walking from Chelsea to Manhattan instead of taking the subway. I do these things by myself because these moments in the city feel more precious when they are just mine. Out here in LA, not having a car maroons you to a pretty lonely existence, all the more when you are broke. This is not LA bashing (I can almost hear that friend of mine scream "give the city time!!!"). Just plain facts backed up by the fact that a lot of young people choose to move to NYC from LA just after a year.
A friend of mine back in India always spoke about wanting to drink at a pub all by himself. Just to see what it felt to immerse oneself in a crowd and yet be there all by yourself. Sizing your drink. Gauging the possibility of a conversation being initiated with one of the many strangers in the room and then letting the potential slip. Only to emerge feeling weathered by that experience. Now that to me is a true moment of being ‘alone’. As opposed to having no one to share a drink and conversation with and landing up drinking in a corner – in ‘lonely'. I doubt he ever actually gathered the will to put himself through this experiment. The last time I almost did something like that in my favorite garage pub - Toto's in Mumbai, I had a certain IT software coder convince me why I should keep his card and then also had to convince his 5 drunk friends that I am indeed dating somebody else. Think my 'alone' experiments are best kept out of watering holes.
I think the coming months will kick-start my socializing patterns. I am getting closer to buying a car now that I am employed ( I will soon join my cohorts driving in the worst traffic in USA) and one of my closest friends just moved here tonight from the east coast. John had sold LA to me over NYC back in Newhouse when he said "Would you rather be a beach-bum or a sidewalk bum". New York is a ruthless city when one's barely making money and looking to break into the entertainment industry.
I am going to give LA a shot regardless of whether my semantic pontifications end up in me thinking more about the Big Apple these days or for that matter Mumbai - a city whose sights and smell I crave for in spurts and bursts. And if things get bad, I"ll remind myself that the empowering effect of doing stuff all by oneself is a whole lot of bull crap. We try and philosophize things that seem beyond our control - like ending up lonely in a city or choosing to be alone - convincing that this is how life is and it must be dealt with. When all you really need to do is pick up the phone and call the people you miss and wish to be with, even if miles away.
