Check check list

I have been away from my country for over a year by now. And as much as I convince myself that my core beliefs and approach to life have not changed, I am finding myself make a mental note of how I feel/live differently more often than I imagined. So I drew up a basic checklist to remind myself how I may have evolved more significantly than ever before this past year:

-- Worrying about my understanding of money and the importance it plays in my life. I never cared about insurance, pension plans or making an absolute minimum salary earlier

-- Understanding that perhaps my interests and my career moves don't always have to be intertwined

-- Learning to detach myself emotionally every time I have a rush of  high-strung feelings associated with things or people I am close to and who move me immensely

-- Checking every food product I intend to consume for parabens, aspartame and the million other weird chemicals that could be carcinogenic

-- Craving for Greek yogurt with honey at 1 am while watching the nth episode of Scrubs

-- Which brings me to the realization that I have watched and heard more over the internet than I ever have before AND the fact that I take the broadband speed in the US for granted

-- From being paranoid about letting go in deep waters to overcoming that fear and pushing myself harder to swim, that too during one of the harshest winters in upstate New York

-- Wanting to be outdoors as much as possible to soak in the sun, that liquid gold seems such a luxury after living in Syracuse in -10 F for close to 6 months

--Going from someone who used bare minimal make up to  someone who now uses 'bare mineral' make up everyday

-- From freaking out about the idea of dating to for the first time understanding the pragmatism behind the concept

-- Understanding that sometimes timing and circumstances play a bigger role in things not working than blaming someone or a situation for hurtful events

This year poses to be yet another huge challenge what with having to start from scratch in a new industry, hunting for jobs without the assurance of a full time gig and figuring out which career path suits me more as I grow older. There will be endless sleepless nights sans the comfort of seeing the wonderful faces next morning of some amazing friends I made in grad school. Hmm....there will be obstacles and dilemmas but hopefully that checklist will lengthen, albeit for the best.

The C Word

What is it about one's male friends settling down that sometimes propels you into a process of self-inspection, introspection and inquiry? You find out that the same person you shared evening walks on a beach with or laughed heartily over inane, ludicrous facts when there was no other mirth in life is suddenly getting married. And not just married to a girl but "the woman of his life".

Why at such moments do all the memories of men we've associated with flash by.  You ponder upon your own state of single-hood, that one "potential" you lost to long distance, the jerks who weren't worth it and yet served as a learning curve (in the often fluctuating graph of your relationships vs wisdom chart) or that one friend you have more than chummy feelings for but can't do anything about?

Why do we re-check if we indeed are happy where we are today or if we have the choice at all to be unhappy otherwise? You ask, "Are my varied interests, plans or ambition coming in the way of seeking companionship or are they really going to be the litmus tests of finding it?"

Perhaps and only perhaps because you know that even in the simplest moments of joy with a friend who could have been more, you did catch a fleeting glimpse of what all conjugal/committed relationships boil down to. That of friendship in its most trusted and pure form. Affection, reliability and a smiling face that wipes away those furrows on your brow.

Companionship. That one other naive word for commitment.

To companions, wherever and however they appear in my life.

Of the lack of angels, plenty of scripts and bliss of perfect assistants

This is my first post from LA. One second. Nope. Second of the many series of posts to come from the City of Angels. The first was when I was here on an 'Industry Trip' with Newhouse fellows in Jan early this year. That's when I had accepted that as much as I disliked the idea of leaving behind my dreams of living in the Big Apple, I had to make the move to LA to pursue a career in the motion picture industry. 

So here I am, two weeks into the internship at M and blessed to have my father's State Bank network find me a great family that is literally 'sheltering' me from hunger, being broke and homeless in this city. I don't know if it was a co-incidence or good luck but my office is a 10 minute bus ride from my generous host's apartment, one of the most coveted real estate areas in LA. To imagine I was miserable when the Focus internship tanked. Ma's right. Everything that doesn't work out is for a reason.

So what is an intern's day to day routine in a major motion picture financing and development company. For starters to break the stereotype, we never fetch coffee for anyone except fellow interns (more like soda). Yes we do photocopy, shred paper, file and distribute mail amongst the other things we are assigned or expected to do. Like? Script coverage to begin with. I get to read tons of scripts, specs, developing material and get asked to give my notes, feedback and what in the layman's world would be a 'report' and in mine a 'script coverage' that gives a detailed analysis of the literary material and what works for it or doesn't. I am getting to give a 'HIGHLY RECOMMENDED' and actually explain WHY to the assistants of some of the top producers and executives in this trade. And it gets better. We've been split into teams and have to pitch story ideas for a film to DZ at the end of this month. He will be helping us polish our pitching skills and gives us further assignments based on our performance. Sometimes working for a more intimate and small company (only in numbers not the quality of work that M does) does have great perks. 

One of the reasons why I love coming to work every day so far has been this almost perfect, too good to be true assistant. Let's call him G. We already have a great rapport. Guess foodies and film buffs across the globe should just have their own secret club. Also hanging out in his cubicle provides constant entertainment since he is at the center of two exec's offices. The other day I walked in to see G busy researching strip clubs in Paris for his boss who was vacationing there (with his mother....!?) and yet another day overheard the said boss yell out this question in the middle of his brainstorming session with a writer, "What's the most raunchy way for a woman to say I am bout to c@#$.". I laughed until I was asked to answer that question.

Writing coverage has been exciting. To imagine that your comment may actually be that very small yet first step in the direction for a film to be either developed or thrown down the chute. Or help a writer get his big break. I set myself a deadline of reading a 100 page script at least in 2 hours and doing the coverage in the next hour and half. The SRR 'script reading rate' (I coined it so it's not legit so refrain from using it elsewhere) in the industry is a page a minute so I still have a long way to go. I started my coverage spree here at M by reading a splatter film that was close to the 'torture porn' genre (my eyes and brain hurt by the middle of it).  Managing to progress in the world of literary sophistication, next I picked up a teen action flick that is in production in South Africa and finaly to my pleasant surprise, a wildlife epic story awaiting the last chunk of finance based on the legendary Daphne Sheldrick's (elephant conservationist) life. TODAY, I  read the funniest spy film I think that people are yet to see. Gave it a thumbs up so hoping MV will push for it.

Apart from that, not having a car in LA is frustrating. I am not against hitching buses but was racially hassled for the first time ever yesterday and kept a poker face through all of it. When I got off, my hands were trembling. Ignorance and hatred. Two of the most dangerous qualities a man can possess. Being a victim of it can give you quite a reality check.

I did manage however to do a few interesting things so far like go to a stand up performance at a gay bar called Akbar (ironic ha?!) with Carm. Attended the premiere of 'Bernie' a M production where I got to see Richard Linkslater ('Before Sunrise' and 'After Sunset' were two of my favorite films of all time), Jack Black, Shirley Mac Laine and Matthew McConaughey and then cursed myself for not attending the after party where Julie Delphie was present as well :/. Apparently she was incognito as always. Love that woman!

R, my Indian friend has been super helpful and we've been cooking meals together and bonding over 'Entourage' and ice cream bon-bons. Waiting to see the museums and also a Tim Burton exhibit that is on at LACMA next to where I live. And oh yes. I've driven twice, when the roads were almost empty with R sitting next to me but still hey, I DROVE in LA! Texted Jery immediately who said he is super proud of me. Miss our drives and fun times Jery :) :/

I need to step up the job search. And wait before I forget, why do they call this place the City of Angels???? This place can be more ruthless than NYC!

On the more emo side, I miss Jess, Jack, Jerry and Ryan so very badly. And I almost wish I could have both coasts to myself whenever I want.

If only your best friends could be family that you could always return to.

A one followed by a half

Have you ever found yourself in situations where you have this spurt of instant joy but that moment somehow moves on to you feeling tremendously sad at the same time. I wish I had more guts to make my blog ultra public so that I could take a poll on this. Either ways you probably will write back to me if you really wish to share yours. Here are some of mine:

*  Being tickled in the tummy as a kid until I had to scream "STOP"

* Hearing or telling fart jokes when they were still clever and funny and cracked up the whole family until we fell off our chairs

* Observing your grandpa's beloved garden and realizing that what's left today will be gone tomorrow

* Saying bye to friends from high school thinking it would be the last day we ever saw each other

 

* Saying bye to friends again, this time in Grad school knowing for a fact that the joke we are sharing today would be recalled years later albeit with me back in India and them across a couple of oceans

* Watching the Niagara falls from a bridge and wanting your family half a globe across, next to you

* Hearing my father describe his latest fish pond project over skype and describing how our home is perfect for me to start a little prod co from

* Being held by that someone you've wanted to hold yourself for the longest time but end up doing so only the night before you have to say goodbye

Cheesy? Go ahead and send me yours :)

Saying bye to NYC before starting LA

This one is probably going to be my last post from Syracuse ever! And it won't be what Barney likes to label as legendary. Nope. No calm or stoic reflections from the year gone by one more time ...nope. I am about to simply indulge what my brain likes to do once in a while when I blog. Write about the most recent and yet impulsive train of thoughts I've had running through my head or well just write about what I've been running through, if that makes any sense. Rather, 'where' I've been running through.

New York. I've been in and out of the city this last week, hopping in and out of Jerry's car, as he and Lee made multiple trips to the city to find themselves a place. My ears are still ringing from the drive. What an awesome drive! We've been spending so much time together lately, that I almost wish (HOW I wish) that I could have moved in with them. Jerry was even suggesting we start writing about us living in the city. A white guy from South Carolina, a black guy from Mississippi and an Indian girl who's just finishing her first year in the US, all starting out in NYC in the entertainment industry. I bet there would be takers for that !

I got to hang out with the 'artsy' crowd for once! Jg's friend was invited by an artist to visit the studios of over 30 artists all working in a loft in Bushwick, so off we went. I had my LBD and Jg his tweed cap on and theer we were, rubbing shoulders with the 'alternative artists collective' in this little surreal part of Brooklyn that looks like a post WW II housing area. Artists here on every nook and corner, all working and living in lofts that were once industrial buildings. It was the opposite to your 'sipping champagne in an art gallery while figuring out what you were supposed to make of the art' scenario. Everyone was walking around with a couple of beer cans, sharing drinks with young artists, discussing their work and even being allowed to touch it ( jello lungs in plastic ice can be very therapeutic to play with).   

At about 12:30 we had spent over an hour looking at all of Evan's works in his studio so we headed out to his flat which turned out to be one of those places you see in an exclusive home decor magazine. I saw Edison bulbs over his living space for the first time in my life and I don't think the energy saving ones I use now are going to enthrall me anymore. The kitchen counter was designed by the three people living in that flat themselves!!! Then there were all these funky sapling in glass pots that definitely betrayed the look of regular homegrown veggies ;) and a metronome ticking away with a frame that resembled a human face. An overall slick studio feel to a space that was not meant to be habitable at all in the first place. I would have killed to have that space in NYC.

This trip was as I would like to call it "meet the girlfriends" trip. First, there was Jg's present and then Jerry's ex. I am giving myself 5 on 5 for dealing well with both :) These scenarios could have played out in interesting permutations and combinations, but for the most part , those scenarios are in my head and will be used as fodder when I write my sketches so I'm not giving them away here.

Also I finally got to meet MN! So yippeee! It was so very overwhelming to be sitting in the presence of a director whose work I've been so inspired with for years now. I'm not going to yak about that on this space but all I can say is thank you TG for setting this up. I am so hoping that I get my act right sooner than later and get to work for her if not with her in the near future. That one hour spent went by faster than I thought but it was an hour that I probably will never ever forget.

This trip was also very significant in one way which seems to me more crucial than a lot of what I've experienced before walking through New York's streets. And it came to me in the most mundane way walking in the heat through Manhattan on my way to Jg's house. I could almost see myself walking through Mumbai's roads sooner or later, yet again and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel anxious about the idea that I might have to return to India soon.  Walking through swirls of humanity, walking through streets and more streets of faces, all out there to make a living and beating the odds of surviving a city that drains so much from you emotionally and financially. Mumbai ...New York....not much difference, is there now, come to think of it?

The next 3 months will be interesting and unpredictable probably also very very unnerving. For one I'm still not sure whether it's going to be LA or NYC and I have time till November only to find myself a job or else I have to pack up and go back to Mumbai. I think this is undoubtedly the biggest challenge I've faced in my life so far. 

LA here I come.

In the moment

Here I am yearning to live in the moment

Without a care of the future or the past

Without nihilism or skepticism

I am beginning to curl my lips even as you purse yours

There's this oppressive sense of zen

Almost as heavy as the summer air

That buzzes with Cicadas and rumbles of blue lightning

And echoes within my half filled glass of cognac

You speak of your faith and your conscience

Of consequences and realism

I listen, smile, nod in acquisence

A garb to my thoughts otherwise

My feet know not where they are headed

Neither does my heart

And yet I am calm

Yearning to simply live in the moment

The conversation we so greedily fetch out

The long afternoons of summer, both will end soon

I am yearning to live in the moment,

Look now...my fingers are reaching out to yours

Saying bye ....yet again

So I've been avoiding this one post that has been weighing down on my conscience (for not writing it yet).  Emotions have been running high and almost everyone has left Syracuse for either NYC or LA. It's the end to me of an era in a way.

My tryst with grad school ended on 14th May. Wearing that black gown and cap and taking the walk with fellow TRFers was painful, literally and metaphorically. Barely awake, suffocating in the heat with those polyester cloaks, not only did I have to really focus on Richard Edleman's soliloquy on new media but also on fighting back my tears. I probably have stated this in my earlier posts and if I try harder, I"ll risk sound cheesy, but graduation week was beautiful and yet awful. Everything just sped up in two days and next thing I know, I am helping friends pack and having to say bye - and to some it was probably a bye forever.

Let's pretend for a moment that as an adult one matures with separations. When you are 8 or 15 you cry when you move a city or your friend does but you get distracted by all the other overwhelming things that occupy your life then. When you grow older and settle into a rhythm with a group of people you can identify with and work with productively, separation is like losing a limb. You know life will have to go on, but that missing piece will always remind you of what was lost.

I can barely do justice to recollect all the moments of saying bye to some of my closest friends here but for the sake of nostalgia, I"ll do a few. Jack left first for Chicago. I realized that I would be an idiot to cry given the amazing friendship we developed so I wrote her a letter (something I love doing as parting messages) and packed the 'grape' cap along that she always teased me with. She choked up when she read it and gave me  hug so hard, it squeezed the wind out of my ribs. It's ironic, how perfect our plan for living together in NYC was and yet how I am drifting towards the west coast. But that's how life is I guess. 

Jess was next. Always good with hiding her emotion. She was so overwhelmed with this beginning of our 'byes' that she wanted to cry and yet she wouldn't let herself. So four days later, when I hugged her bye the night before she left 'cuse, I was so relieved to realize she was sobbing. We held each other and cried for what seemed like eternity and then just like that she held me away, said goodnight and refused to look back. I don't think my goodbyes to any of my ex- boyfriends have been that emotional :P

Carm left for Montreal a day later and I did also try helping her pack but we just ended up talking more. She is headed west coast as well so it wasn't that bad saying bye. 

Persian kid is leaving for Europe day after to meet his girlfriend and while we did have our talk about missing our friendship, I am so sure I will be working with him in the near future. I"ll miss his nerdy, dorky craziness and our long conversations about nature and our cooking sessions.

For the last one week or so, I have been hanging out a lot with Jerry. I never realized before this, how much I enjoy his company. We spend close to 13 hours just driving in the last two weeks and he's probably the reason I passed my road test. He's been vouching that I won't leave for another week or so and truly enough, I decided to stay another week before I head out. Looking forward to more fun times together. I almost am tempted to move out with him and Lee to the city.

Which leaves Ryan. The elder brother I've never had. His family has adopted me as their own. Watching him around his kids and Steph, spending time over our projects, our film and now our quality time together in the yard gardening and over meals has helped me pull through some really tough times this year. I can't even imagine saying bye to him so I am not going to talk about it.

The people I met, worked with and spend my weekends cooking for and hanging out with in general, have shaped me incredibly. If someone asks me what was the most memorable aspect of my one year in the US, it will have to be the time with my classmates. The word 'school' will never be the same again and as the chosen grad speaker said on commencement the word 'orange' won't either.

I am heading out to LA in a week for an internship and from thereon I have no idea what's next in line. There's barely any savings, the loan's almost run out and I don't have a job. I've been denying how much this stresses me but somebody said to me the other day "What's the worst that can happen? You will head back home to India". How do I explain to him that my understanding of the word 'home' is not the same anymore.