An evening that wasn't planned perfect - and almost was

You go through each day - on a working day that is - quite methodically. Don't you? Hitting the alarm instinctively at 6:30 AM, catching that bus to work exactly at the same time everyday and eating your lunch almost at 1 pm . And how many things apart from the obvious do you notice in this sort of routine? Well you almost don't. Today, my evening broke away from that otherwise monotonous trudge back home alone, to cooking dinner and watching 'Felicity' just till I get tired enough to sleep. Today was different, perhaps the most different I've had in the longest time in this city.

I watched a couple in their seventies walk hand in hand till the end of the curb I was facing. They were on a stroll and as they came to an end, they heaved their shoulders, exhaled in sync with each other and then dropped their heads low shutting their eyes. They stood like that for a good 10 minutes. I am not exaggerating. I was eating take away chinese and watching all of this haunted almost in the beauty of this synchronicity, of their companionship, their grace and the fact that they weren't even of the same color. I bet it was a breathing exercise and their daily routine, but to me it was a reminder of the beauty of being with someone you imagined growing old with, doing things in harmony and just being at peace with each other's presence.

Later , I met up Newhouse alum at Venice in the nicest jazz pub I've been to in a while. After years of struggle, K is finally getting her scripts sold to big studios and producers. Her upcoming film is to be directed by Alexander Payne and a talk about adapting an Indian author's book into a mini series to be shot in India is on. K was nice enough to introduce me to everyone in her large LA family. Sandwiched between grown men and women, designers, writers, show runners and artists, I was struck by how blase this people were about their work. Not once did we discuss "the industry" or "our craft". The conversation was instead centered on our families, children, neurotic spouses and our parents. And the most upsetting stories were being dished out with such humor that I was struck by these bunch of people. They had barely met me for 10 minutes and here I was, in their fold...a cohort.

I won't wax eloquent about what the conversation trailed off to but the highlight off the evening , apart from having a writer from the Bill Cosby show speak to me for 2 hours was discovering that the designer I had been chatting with for over an hour is THE man who's designed the Focus Features logo. Focus Features! Those blurred blue dreamy lights inspiring you of a collective humanity in a city like New York or the promise of something better to come. How often have I stopped before shooting soft blurred night lights to remind myself why I love this idea so much. It started from FF's art.

Anyway, I need to meet more people, do more random pub/art crawls I guess as superficial as that sounds to sort of lose myself now and then. A friend couldn't have said it better. Sometimes too much is made of finding oneself. There's greater joy in losing oneself. I will add to that. Losing oneslef amidst people who are unknown and yet turn out to be more familiar or connected to you than you could imagine - that joy is even greater.

A 'lone'

You might have heard this one before but still, hear me out. There’s a huge difference between what ‘alone’ signifies as opposed to the word ‘loneliness’. And the more I think of stuff like this, I wonder if I should have chosen semantics over the film industry.

A couple of days back, I didn’t have the option of returning home after work. So I walked into Culver Plaza, an old mom and pop theatre close by where I live to watch ‘Midnight in Paris’. There I was amongst six other people chuckling at Bender’s lines and wondering if Owen Wilson was categorically told to imitate Allen’s classic ‘fumbling verbose’ acting style. But once my brain stopped processing these details, I realized I watched this film partially because of ‘loneliness’ not because I chose to do it ‘alone’. And that’s when it hit me. Being in Los Angeles brings up the idea of ‘loneliness’. On the other hand, I may be doing something all by myself in New York City but it would be okay because I would be happy to do it ‘alone’. Sitting at Central Park and watching the cyclists go by or stepping into a museum wholly dedicated to the aesthetic and history of sex or for that matter walking from Chelsea to Manhattan instead of taking the subway. I do these things by myself because these moments in the city feel more precious when they are just mine. Out here in LA, not having a car maroons you to a pretty lonely existence, all the more when you are broke. This is not LA bashing (I can almost hear that friend of mine scream "give the city time!!!"). Just plain facts backed up by the fact that a lot of young people choose to move to NYC from LA just after a year.

A friend of mine back in India always spoke about wanting to drink at a pub all by himself. Just to see what it felt to immerse oneself in a crowd and yet be there all by yourself. Sizing your drink. Gauging the possibility of a conversation being initiated with one of the many strangers in the room and then letting the potential slip. Only to emerge feeling weathered by that experience. Now that to me is a true moment of being ‘alone’. As opposed to having no one to share a drink and conversation with and landing up drinking in a corner – in ‘lonely'. I doubt he ever actually gathered the will to put himself through this experiment. The last time I almost did something like that in my favorite garage pub - Toto's in Mumbai, I had a certain IT software coder convince me why I should keep his card and then also had to convince his 5 drunk friends that I am indeed dating somebody else. Think my 'alone' experiments are best kept out of watering holes.

I think the coming months will kick-start my socializing patterns. I am getting closer to buying a car now that I am employed ( I will soon join my cohorts driving in the worst traffic in USA) and one of my closest friends just moved here tonight from the east coast. John had sold LA to me over NYC back in Newhouse when he said "Would you rather be a beach-bum or a sidewalk bum". New York is a ruthless city when one's barely making money and looking to break into the entertainment industry. 

I am going to give LA a shot regardless of whether my semantic pontifications end up in me thinking more about the Big Apple these days or for that matter Mumbai - a city whose sights and smell I crave for in spurts and bursts. And if things get bad, I"ll remind myself that the empowering effect of doing stuff all by oneself is a whole lot of bull crap. We try and philosophize things that seem beyond our control - like ending up lonely in a city or choosing to be alone - convincing that this is how life is and it must be dealt with. When all you really need to do is pick up the phone and call the people you miss and wish to be with, even if miles away. 

Thank you Mr Ayers

The need to be overwhelmed with something. The need to feel so strongly that you find the ability to move someone else in turn. Years back, perhaps this is what made want to pursue journalism. I earnestly believed (and part of me still wants to) that a story could be told with such intensity that it would make the audience want to think and want to act.

However a few years down the line, I find myself far far away from noble intentions of changing the world through the medium of broadcast news and trying to edge closer to the motion picture industry. I am sure I am an escapist at some level for not sticking it out to an earlier conviction, but in my defense, my basic endeavor is to be able to tell incredible stories to people. Entertain; make someone laugh so hard they almost pee in their pants. Or make them cry so much they need time out to take a breath.

Watching 'The Soloist' today made me rethink of that first conviction. Lopez told the rest of the world  an ordinary homeless man's story rendering him a stranger no more. Today Nathaniel Mayers has been immortalized in a book, a film and has a foundation in his name dedicated to bringing more attention to mental illness.

And all this makes me realize I am so very grateful. I realize how important it is to be thankful for a healthy mind and to be able to make the most of it. I realize that my neighbour is playing his or perhaps her guitar and I am so lucky to feel the way I do when I hear music. And this is where I must stop and simply listen.

almost nothing.

I stopped blogging for a while now because of professional hazards. My friend in India gave me a good tongue lashing when he realized I spend more time obsessing over my blog and satiating my verbal rant in creative verse on Mondaydonna rather than writing material that's long over due. And hence a series of sketches were born, some outlining for a few script ideas but mostly, those dreaded unholy cover letters for numerous job applications.

Finally, I could not hold myself back today. In applying for a post online, I was asked to provide a writing sample. A sample? I wrote a dozen script coverage in my last two months and a long list of posts over the last three years on this blog. But did I have a writing sample that shows my knowledge of present developments in the media or what I have to say about the rebels overthrowing Gadaafi in Lybia or sadly for that matter something closer home - Anna's hunger protest in India and the silent turmoil bubbling in my country? No. I do not and I can't possibly pretend to begin articulating my thoughts on the same. Not because I am not interested or concerned but because this space and the larger part of my writing is my venting zone, my safe area for catharsis on things OTHER than those that are tearing the world down right now.

So what did I do about that sample? I didn't send one. Quite the rebel ay given that I need a job more than anything else at this point? Ayyyyy... I think it is weariness on the other hand. I am beginning to slow down rather than rev up any more about how best to approach this seemingly vast expanse of untapped jobs in the US. Don't get me wrong. I've met some of the most respected and engaging industry professionals, had long chats with writers of films back in India that are rocking the box office and India's imagination. So a lot of good things have come about from the process of networking to find a job. And more than anything else I guess you have to trust the process (Note: very relevant to  to other aspects of life as well). But there is this ancillary list of things that are eating away at my enthusiasm of it all:

* Staying up late and wondering if the thousands of dollars I spent studying the film and tv industry are worth over an MBA that I could have landed in the same money

* Wondering if I am kidding myself about sticking to my goals in the entertainment industry or the fact that the MBA route is playing games in my head. Maybe dad was right, make bread to feed yourself and then go make pastry on the side to tickle your palette. Get the analogy?

* Having to move YET AGAIN into another part of Los Angeles. Crashing on couches and feeding off (literally) well wishers is what any film/tv enthusiast does. Just that my back is yearning for one regular solid hard mattress 

* Listening to my sibling's friend advise me that the return to India plan is perhaps more pragmatic and financially viable than hanging onto the hope of getting hired in the present messy US economy

* Fearing that if I don't return to India soon, I just might get a little too used to the idea of the lifestyle that this country affords and India cannot perhaps even in two decades

* Most of all just this looming unsurety about my present exploration of film related jobs in the US and if it actually is going to help me land an interesting position back at home

I am probably making this blog way too personal. But blogging like I said is my only means of letting go, rambling about happy/unhappy turning points and making peace with it all. Making peace.....isn't that the point of all our creative exploits. Writing, painting, making musics, making things to be shared with people outside our immediate reach? I"ll use this space as a crutch in the coming weeks if I haven't managed to shrug off a friend's visit to LA. This time and perhaps the first ever, I couldn't speak all of my mind to someone I've been meaning to for a while. Making peace....yet again. Perhaps I need to indulge in writing some more random cryptic verse to soothe my mind.

 

Check check list

I have been away from my country for over a year by now. And as much as I convince myself that my core beliefs and approach to life have not changed, I am finding myself make a mental note of how I feel/live differently more often than I imagined. So I drew up a basic checklist to remind myself how I may have evolved more significantly than ever before this past year:

-- Worrying about my understanding of money and the importance it plays in my life. I never cared about insurance, pension plans or making an absolute minimum salary earlier

-- Understanding that perhaps my interests and my career moves don't always have to be intertwined

-- Learning to detach myself emotionally every time I have a rush of  high-strung feelings associated with things or people I am close to and who move me immensely

-- Checking every food product I intend to consume for parabens, aspartame and the million other weird chemicals that could be carcinogenic

-- Craving for Greek yogurt with honey at 1 am while watching the nth episode of Scrubs

-- Which brings me to the realization that I have watched and heard more over the internet than I ever have before AND the fact that I take the broadband speed in the US for granted

-- From being paranoid about letting go in deep waters to overcoming that fear and pushing myself harder to swim, that too during one of the harshest winters in upstate New York

-- Wanting to be outdoors as much as possible to soak in the sun, that liquid gold seems such a luxury after living in Syracuse in -10 F for close to 6 months

--Going from someone who used bare minimal make up to  someone who now uses 'bare mineral' make up everyday

-- From freaking out about the idea of dating to for the first time understanding the pragmatism behind the concept

-- Understanding that sometimes timing and circumstances play a bigger role in things not working than blaming someone or a situation for hurtful events

This year poses to be yet another huge challenge what with having to start from scratch in a new industry, hunting for jobs without the assurance of a full time gig and figuring out which career path suits me more as I grow older. There will be endless sleepless nights sans the comfort of seeing the wonderful faces next morning of some amazing friends I made in grad school. Hmm....there will be obstacles and dilemmas but hopefully that checklist will lengthen, albeit for the best.

The C Word

What is it about one's male friends settling down that sometimes propels you into a process of self-inspection, introspection and inquiry? You find out that the same person you shared evening walks on a beach with or laughed heartily over inane, ludicrous facts when there was no other mirth in life is suddenly getting married. And not just married to a girl but "the woman of his life".

Why at such moments do all the memories of men we've associated with flash by.  You ponder upon your own state of single-hood, that one "potential" you lost to long distance, the jerks who weren't worth it and yet served as a learning curve (in the often fluctuating graph of your relationships vs wisdom chart) or that one friend you have more than chummy feelings for but can't do anything about?

Why do we re-check if we indeed are happy where we are today or if we have the choice at all to be unhappy otherwise? You ask, "Are my varied interests, plans or ambition coming in the way of seeking companionship or are they really going to be the litmus tests of finding it?"

Perhaps and only perhaps because you know that even in the simplest moments of joy with a friend who could have been more, you did catch a fleeting glimpse of what all conjugal/committed relationships boil down to. That of friendship in its most trusted and pure form. Affection, reliability and a smiling face that wipes away those furrows on your brow.

Companionship. That one other naive word for commitment.

To companions, wherever and however they appear in my life.

Of the lack of angels, plenty of scripts and bliss of perfect assistants

This is my first post from LA. One second. Nope. Second of the many series of posts to come from the City of Angels. The first was when I was here on an 'Industry Trip' with Newhouse fellows in Jan early this year. That's when I had accepted that as much as I disliked the idea of leaving behind my dreams of living in the Big Apple, I had to make the move to LA to pursue a career in the motion picture industry. 

So here I am, two weeks into the internship at M and blessed to have my father's State Bank network find me a great family that is literally 'sheltering' me from hunger, being broke and homeless in this city. I don't know if it was a co-incidence or good luck but my office is a 10 minute bus ride from my generous host's apartment, one of the most coveted real estate areas in LA. To imagine I was miserable when the Focus internship tanked. Ma's right. Everything that doesn't work out is for a reason.

So what is an intern's day to day routine in a major motion picture financing and development company. For starters to break the stereotype, we never fetch coffee for anyone except fellow interns (more like soda). Yes we do photocopy, shred paper, file and distribute mail amongst the other things we are assigned or expected to do. Like? Script coverage to begin with. I get to read tons of scripts, specs, developing material and get asked to give my notes, feedback and what in the layman's world would be a 'report' and in mine a 'script coverage' that gives a detailed analysis of the literary material and what works for it or doesn't. I am getting to give a 'HIGHLY RECOMMENDED' and actually explain WHY to the assistants of some of the top producers and executives in this trade. And it gets better. We've been split into teams and have to pitch story ideas for a film to DZ at the end of this month. He will be helping us polish our pitching skills and gives us further assignments based on our performance. Sometimes working for a more intimate and small company (only in numbers not the quality of work that M does) does have great perks. 

One of the reasons why I love coming to work every day so far has been this almost perfect, too good to be true assistant. Let's call him G. We already have a great rapport. Guess foodies and film buffs across the globe should just have their own secret club. Also hanging out in his cubicle provides constant entertainment since he is at the center of two exec's offices. The other day I walked in to see G busy researching strip clubs in Paris for his boss who was vacationing there (with his mother....!?) and yet another day overheard the said boss yell out this question in the middle of his brainstorming session with a writer, "What's the most raunchy way for a woman to say I am bout to c@#$.". I laughed until I was asked to answer that question.

Writing coverage has been exciting. To imagine that your comment may actually be that very small yet first step in the direction for a film to be either developed or thrown down the chute. Or help a writer get his big break. I set myself a deadline of reading a 100 page script at least in 2 hours and doing the coverage in the next hour and half. The SRR 'script reading rate' (I coined it so it's not legit so refrain from using it elsewhere) in the industry is a page a minute so I still have a long way to go. I started my coverage spree here at M by reading a splatter film that was close to the 'torture porn' genre (my eyes and brain hurt by the middle of it).  Managing to progress in the world of literary sophistication, next I picked up a teen action flick that is in production in South Africa and finaly to my pleasant surprise, a wildlife epic story awaiting the last chunk of finance based on the legendary Daphne Sheldrick's (elephant conservationist) life. TODAY, I  read the funniest spy film I think that people are yet to see. Gave it a thumbs up so hoping MV will push for it.

Apart from that, not having a car in LA is frustrating. I am not against hitching buses but was racially hassled for the first time ever yesterday and kept a poker face through all of it. When I got off, my hands were trembling. Ignorance and hatred. Two of the most dangerous qualities a man can possess. Being a victim of it can give you quite a reality check.

I did manage however to do a few interesting things so far like go to a stand up performance at a gay bar called Akbar (ironic ha?!) with Carm. Attended the premiere of 'Bernie' a M production where I got to see Richard Linkslater ('Before Sunrise' and 'After Sunset' were two of my favorite films of all time), Jack Black, Shirley Mac Laine and Matthew McConaughey and then cursed myself for not attending the after party where Julie Delphie was present as well :/. Apparently she was incognito as always. Love that woman!

R, my Indian friend has been super helpful and we've been cooking meals together and bonding over 'Entourage' and ice cream bon-bons. Waiting to see the museums and also a Tim Burton exhibit that is on at LACMA next to where I live. And oh yes. I've driven twice, when the roads were almost empty with R sitting next to me but still hey, I DROVE in LA! Texted Jery immediately who said he is super proud of me. Miss our drives and fun times Jery :) :/

I need to step up the job search. And wait before I forget, why do they call this place the City of Angels???? This place can be more ruthless than NYC!

On the more emo side, I miss Jess, Jack, Jerry and Ryan so very badly. And I almost wish I could have both coasts to myself whenever I want.

If only your best friends could be family that you could always return to.